I was sitting on my bed wondering “WHY?”. I can’t say that I’m completely shocked by it, IT being that I was once again asking God “WHY?”. I thought I had faced enough hurdles in life, that I would learn to stop asking so many Why’s.. I know the answers, but I guess I constantly hope that I would hear something else.. Something that would go along a lot more with my own thinking, rather than the answers God already gave me.
I had just experienced my first miscarriage after having experienced a loss of a child only a few months beforehand. According to doctors, getting pregnant so close to a loss was actually a good thing, it was hormonally wise to get pregnant with another child as the hormones needed to sustain pregnancy are still strong in the system. My doctor also informed me that It was actually more uncommon that I had 5 pregnancies without ever experiencing a miscarriage than it was for me to even have a miscarriage.
So there I was sitting in my sadness, wondering what on earth was God doing. He gave me two kids that He didn’t give me much opportunity to know. The first child born after a loss is considered a rainbow baby. To represent Hope after a storm, however, my hope just flew out the window. Long gone. And It was painful.
It was three days later, as I sat wondering why, I continued to feel a strong desire to open my bible. To go immerse myself in God’s word, but I gotta admit, my mind wasn’t really in that place. I just wanted to sit in my wallow and cry. But that prodding got me up, I knew God had something to say to me and He gave me a few days to grieve, but I knew He wasn’t done with me. He NEVER is.
I grabbed my bible, trying to figure out where I would open to. I knew all of the “special” verses that should ease my heart but I needed more than that because it wasn’t enough for my aching heart. I wasn’t sure where to start so, I took a deep breath as my mind accepted more of the things I know my bible has told me, yet I didn’t want to listen to because my sorrow was being stubborn. I said a prayer and decided that God would answer my questions in His OWN time, and I would be content and happy with that.. I would stop seeking out what I thought I needed and just spend time with my heavenly father. He was fully present with the first loss, so I know He would be there this time too.
I took another deep breath and opened my bible where I last left off before the miscarriage. I had restarted my bible recently and I was in Exodus around Chapter 12. I continued to read about the Plagues and the Exodus of the Israelites, when I stopped on Exodus 14:15a. It was here I couldn’t read any further. I couldn’t even finish the verse because God reached out and slapped me upside my head. Verse 14:15a reads: “Then God said to Moses. Why are you crying out to me?” I like how the text says… God said. Not God yelled, Not God screamed, but God said… like He was nonchalantly saying …Hey man? Why you crying?.. (probably not a good theological exegesis of the passage.. but still. My mind sees it happening this way.)
The verse stuck with me and still sticks with me whenever I start to wonder why? When I start to get overwhelmed with what God has placed before me. In this story, the Israelites witnessed the plagues and were freed from Pharaoh, in chapter 14 Pharaoh goes back after them. The Israelites are scared they would die. So, Here in Chapter 14 Verse 15, God is saying to Moses.. “Why are you crying out to me?. “ ( and if you look at the very beginning of Chapter 14 God already told Moses to tell the Israelites what was going to happen!).. Soooo… to sum up… they knew what was going to happen, they witnessed all that God has done up until this point… and NOW they are worried and crying out to God. ??
This verse had immediately changed my aching heart. As I was sitting in my room moments before feeling broken, I immediately felt, with the reading of those words, my broken heart piece back together. God already told me the story, I have witnessed His presence, and I should trust His plan, even when it doesn’t make sense to me.
I would like to say I will stop questioning God, but I know what a fickle character my flesh is, but I also know I will never forget that moment that God healed my heart with Exodus 14:15a, and it continues to stay in my arsenal whenever I feel an attack upon my standing firm with God. He gave me my bible and has told me what to expect. I need only to trust Him.
(And another plus to that story, a few months later we were blessed with another Child who is currently fast asleep in her crib.)
“Then God said to Moses. Why are you crying out to me?” -Exodus 14:15a
